A fanfare plays.
This Is Your Football Team, an American blog tradition! And now here's your host, Mr. This Is Your Football Team... me.
(Soaring strings play. The curtain rises as the host walks out on the stage.)
Hello everyone, and welcome to This Is Your Football Team. Today we're here to honor a successful college football coach... a man who's shaped the lives of hundreds of young men... the head coach of the South Florida Bulls... Skip Holtz!
(applause as Holtz walks out on stage)
Skip, we've gathered some of your players and coaches together today so that you can hear from them just how much you've meant to them. Gentlemen, take it away!
-- Skip, I'm Chris Cosh, your defensive coordinator. You hired me in the offseason even though I have absolutely no track record of success anywhere I've ever been. Kansas State fans were thrilled to get rid of me, and can you blame them? Look what they did without me last night against Oklahoma. Last year when I was there, the Sooners scored 58 points and gained 700 yards! Today, I ran your defense against Ball State and forced two punts! For the whole game! And we had zero turnovers, zero sacks, and zero tackles for loss. I might as well have not called plays at all! Glad I could help you out.
-- Hi coach, we're your offensive line. We did pretty well yesterday when all we had to do was run forward and push the guy in front of us. But when we had to pull, or block anyone in space, or drop back in pass protection, we were totally useless! Even though you shuffled us all around and started your left guard at left tackle and put another guard in the game, it didn't matter! We can't pass block at all! Glad we could help you out.
-- Coach, it's the defensive line. Last year we led the nation in tackles for loss for much of the season. This year, we're getting shoved around by everyone! We can't get to the passer, we can't blow up the pocket, and we can't push back against the run. Long story short, we're getting our asses kicked this year! Glad we could help you out.
-- Coach Holtz, it's your extra point team. We had a point after blocked today. That's three extra points we've botched so far this year, and we've only played four games! I know that one point meant that the offense had to score a touchdown at the end of the game, even though they got into field goal range with time to spare and could have tied it if we had just done our job. But then again, we would have been out there trying the field goal! Ha ha! Glad we could help you out.
-- Hey coach, it's Jeff Hawkins. Thanks, I got a lot of playing time today! I did OK blocking for Demetris Murray and Lindsey Lamar out of the I formation. Then at the end of the game, when we dove on top of a rolling kickoff, I just got so fired up that I had to level a guy three seconds after the play ended! It was probably the most brain-dead penalty in USF history, but hey, we didn't REALLY need those 15 yards, did we? Glad I could help you out.
-- Yo coach, it's B.J. Daniels. I did the best I could today. Another 300 yards passing, another 70 yards rushing. I know I'm not perfect, but still, you think I could get some pass protection one of these weeks? Or maybe get the defense to stop somebody one of these weeks? Why do I have to score points every time I'm on the field against teams like Ball State? We're in Florida. Aren't we supposed to have a lot more talent than they do? We can't shut those guys down? What the hell? I know things got screwed up on that last play and my receiver ran the wrong route, but why should I get all the blame? Why did the game even come down to that?
-- Coach, it's DeDe Lattimore and Reshard Cliett. Look, we're fast linebackers, but why are you letting Cosh call defenses where we're matched up in the slot against these shifty wide receivers? We don't have a chance of stopping them. Didn't you watch the Cincinnati game a couple years ago? Or Notre Dame last year? Did you guys not recruit and develop enough good defensive backs? You made us look bad.
-- Hi coach. I know I haven't been around as long as some of these guys, but I'm David Aristil. That's A-R-I-S-T-I-L. It's been four games. Do you think someone could spell my name right on my uniform? It's getting kind of ridiculous that the equipment staff can't get that right.
-- Skip, it's your boss, Doug Woolard. I know you're going to get all kinds of abuse from the fans because the team is still going downhill in your third year, and your defense is a mess, and your offensive line is a sieve, and your special teams are a disaster, and almost none of your recruits are ready to play, and the team makes just as many stupid mistakes as they did with the guy I had to fire before you, and I know there are going to be USF fans dumping their tickets to FSU fans for whatever they can get because they know what's coming next Saturday, and your team's going to get hammered in front of all the kids you're trying to recruit, and you'll have to tell them how things will somehow be different if they come play for you, and then after that game the stands are going to be empty for the rest of the season because they have no faith in you at all. But I have faith in you! That's why I gave you that five-year extension in the offseason! Even though you hadn't produced anything of any value, and that one win over Notre Dame was a total fluke because they beat themselves, and I could have avoided all of this by waiting until the end of this season to re-evaluate things before I committed another $6 million to you that we don't really have. But what's done is done! So don't worry! You're not going anywhere for at least two or three more years! Glad I could help you out.
(applause from the audience)
Well, that's it for this week. Tune in next time for This Is Your Football Team!
(strings play, credits roll)